Saturday, April 12, 2014

She didn’t have to say it…. I could feel it. She was disappointed by the fact the I was one of thoosee people who let the world turn her into a cynic. It wasn’t that I sought out unhappiness, or that I absolutely rejected the good in my life. It was just… none of this was what I wanted. Even the blessings carried the weight of a curse.
————
What is you want I asked myself on a mid afternoon run… the question which lingered for so long both in and out of conversation recently….
To go back.
To What?
To myself.
How.
It doesn’t matter I can’t.
Why?
It’s counter-intuitive.
Why?
Because….
Because why?
Because society -
———-
Since when have I been that person. The one to follow rules. As a whole we put the emphasis on progression as this forward momentum the constant introduction of new in our lives. But in reality, the beginning lies within the rubble of our own sins… sometimes despite no matter how counter intuitive it feels…. to truly move forward, to fix the present. We need to return to the past. It’s time to walk down memory road.

Monday, December 30, 2013
Rule # 12: Only three types of people tell the truth: kids, drunk people, and anyone who is pissed the fuck off. Richard Pryor  (via)

(Source: notesfromarmageddon)

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

curcle:

im sorry for postingthis again

Never be sorry for posting this again and again and again.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

He was asking me to do the impossible. To rely on faith and faith alone. “Your my daughter I’ll find a way” he smiled. This he waved his hand around gesturing to the room around us, “means nothing to me, your education is the world to us. ” I silently left the room and sat on my bed, at this point tears were inevitable,  I have never felt so loved, yet so guilty at the same time. Here he was ready to sacrifice their whole world to make sure I had a fighting chance in perhaps a world I was never meant to belong in. If that wasn’t motivation to study I didn’t know what else was….. 

Saturday, December 7, 2013

<i>When the king takes sides,
leaving moral minds; soldiers take their share.</i>

You know those soothing songs, which no matter the lyrics you just want to curl up to. (Especially on these brutally cold winter days) Asgeir provides one of those melodies which provide the perfect soundtrack to a pajama and peppermint mocha kind of day. (Le sigh If only). Anyways keep warm my lovelies.

♡ Lil

A little piece of me to all of you.

Can I just blog… about non-music stuff. Just rant to a little piece of the internet?

It’s strange you know how life can come full circle, I can tell you exactly where I was a year to this day. Probably at this very same table praying to the academic gods to spare me. So much externally appears the same, but so much inside is different that if past me was to walk by the woman I am today i am not sure I’d recognize myself. (Despite the back I caved and got fringe cut bangs)

Truth be told, I feel I figured out the solutions to my academic problems a semester to late. After another term of hell, facing failure straight in the eye and learning that a number is not a justification of who i am as a person or arguably this semester a student. I think my type A personality finally realized to recover you have to embrace the free fall.

But to be able to study like I have the past few days feels so dam good, its been years when I could just pick up a book and not want to have a panic attack. Yet at the same time I am finding adjusting to live without a panic disorder to be so much harder than learning how to live with it in the first place…. which seems slightly abnormal. But at the same time now there are no excuses for why things fall apart it’s just you and the world and everything in between. Your allowed to suffer in secret, but recovery is a completely public affair.

I guess the sum of this rant is, I learned a lot this semester. A lot I had to learn, a lot which couldn’t be taught in a book. Recovery my therapist told me would be harder then the disease and she was 100% right. You can suffer anxiety in silent, but to recover you have to cross the boundaries from your world to everyone else. You life undergoes a paradigm shift, one that no one can understand. Heros are shown in their real light to be simply human, and you realize that we should not look externally for inspiration but instead inside ourselves. And there is that hidden guilt as you see others, people who no longer can be your friends as you no longer relate continue to suffer.

But to finally let yourself feel every moment of heartbreak and pain you suppressed for the last 5 years and let it go. It’s brillant.

So to all of the citizens of tumblr and the rest of the world: My name is Miranda and I have had and anxiety disorder.

Merry Christmas,
Study Hard,
And stay turned for a crapload of music during the sessonal break,

Lil

neuromorphogenesis:

Feel like a fraud? You might have Impostor Syndrome.
Ever feel like you’re faking it, in spite of your successes, and that you’re on the verge of being outed as a phony, undeserving of praise, promotion or recognition? Sounds like you might be suffering from a case of Impostor Syndrome. Here’s why you should ignore that voice of doubt inside your head.
To many people, actress Emma Watson has it all. Talent, beauty, brains, and major acting roles at a young age. Yet Emma – like many people, be they in the world of acting, academia, health or sport – has admitted to feeling like a fraud despite her success.
In an interview with Rookie magazine, Watson said: “It’s almost like the better I do, the more my feeling of inadequacy actually increases, because I’m just going, ‘Any moment, someone’s going to find out I’m a total fraud, and that I don’t deserve any of what I’ve achieved’.”
This is an example of an interesting phenomenon called imposter syndrome – where people are seen as successful by outside external measures but internally they feel themselves to be frauds, undeserving of their success and in danger at any moment of being exposed.
Have you ever had the feeling that you’re in over your head? That you’ve had many successes but somehow you feel you don’t deserve them? There’s been some mistake. You were just lucky that time, the right questions came up in the exam or the interview. And despite all evidence to the contrary, that nagging feeling persists that, at any moment, someone will tap you on the shoulder and say: “You shouldn’t be here.”
Most of us have these feelings from time to time. They are called imposter feelings: feeling that you have misrepresented yourself despite all objective evidence to the contrary. A 1985 article in Time suggested that up to 70% of people will have imposter feelings at some time. It’s normal, and usually, with a bit of perspective and time, people let them pass.
‘Real’ imposters
However, for some people the imposter feelings don’t pass and an entire syndrome develops where the person believes they truly are an imposter. They go on to develop behaviours and thinking patterns based on this belief.
The phenomenon was originally described in 1978 by Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, two researchers at Georgia State University in the US, based on their work with groups of high achieving women.
Much of the early literature suggested it applied mainly to women but since then, there have been studies showing that many men are also affected. One study suggested that while women worked and competed harder to prove themselves when anxiety was high, men tended to avoid situations where weaknesses could be exposed.
And the imposter syndrome is most obvious in situations where people are measured or evaluated in some way. So it is very common in education systems where people are regularly tested, graded and often ranked. It’s also common in competitive sport, or when you stand up to give a presentation, when you apply for a new job and in many creative fields. At these moments you start to worry that everybody will find out your little secret.
It’s a secret
One of the characteristics of the imposter syndrome is that you can never admit it. Because, of course, if you put your hand up and say “I feel like a fraud”, then there’s the possibility that someone will say “ah yes, we were wondering about that, could you please leave now.” So it’s safer to say nothing. But the doubts remain. Even if others are suffering too.
A second characteristic is that the imposter syndrome is impervious to evidence. The person has objective evidence that they are not a fraud. They have passed exams, have certificates, achieved sales targets, made a good presentation. Despite this evidence, the feeling lingers. And people play tricky mind games to discount or ignore the evidence. It was just luck, it was easy, someone helped. The next time will be harder. I fooled them – they just haven’t found me out yet.
For some people, the more successful they become, the worse the imposter syndrome is. After all, there’s more to be exposed now. All that happens is that expectations are raised even higher.
Look at it objectively
So what can you do? Well, you need to force yourself to look at the evidence objectively. One of the great contributions of psychology is to help people realise that feelings are not facts. You can feel like an imposter but that doesn’t make you one. Is it likely that you have fooled everyone? Did you tell lies at the interview? Was it just luck or did you actually work hard on that report?
There’s no simple answer to treating the syndrome but looking at the evidence using CBT and self-awareness can help, as can mindfulness. Learn not to fear success and enjoy it, even if this is easier said than done. Finding a way to channel pressure. This may not rid you of imposter syndrome but it will certainly help you to manage it.
Photo by LiebeGaby

neuromorphogenesis:

Feel like a fraud? You might have Impostor Syndrome.

Ever feel like you’re faking it, in spite of your successes, and that you’re on the verge of being outed as a phony, undeserving of praise, promotion or recognition? Sounds like you might be suffering from a case of Impostor Syndrome. Here’s why you should ignore that voice of doubt inside your head.

To many people, actress Emma Watson has it all. Talent, beauty, brains, and major acting roles at a young age. Yet Emma – like many people, be they in the world of acting, academia, health or sport – has admitted to feeling like a fraud despite her success.

In an interview with Rookie magazine, Watson said: “It’s almost like the better I do, the more my feeling of inadequacy actually increases, because I’m just going, ‘Any moment, someone’s going to find out I’m a total fraud, and that I don’t deserve any of what I’ve achieved’.”

This is an example of an interesting phenomenon called imposter syndrome – where people are seen as successful by outside external measures but internally they feel themselves to be frauds, undeserving of their success and in danger at any moment of being exposed.

Have you ever had the feeling that you’re in over your head? That you’ve had many successes but somehow you feel you don’t deserve them? There’s been some mistake. You were just lucky that time, the right questions came up in the exam or the interview. And despite all evidence to the contrary, that nagging feeling persists that, at any moment, someone will tap you on the shoulder and say: “You shouldn’t be here.”

Most of us have these feelings from time to time. They are called imposter feelings: feeling that you have misrepresented yourself despite all objective evidence to the contrary. A 1985 article in Time suggested that up to 70% of people will have imposter feelings at some time. It’s normal, and usually, with a bit of perspective and time, people let them pass.

‘Real’ imposters

However, for some people the imposter feelings don’t pass and an entire syndrome develops where the person believes they truly are an imposter. They go on to develop behaviours and thinking patterns based on this belief.

The phenomenon was originally described in 1978 by Pauline Clance and Suzanne Imes, two researchers at Georgia State University in the US, based on their work with groups of high achieving women.

Much of the early literature suggested it applied mainly to women but since then, there have been studies showing that many men are also affected. One study suggested that while women worked and competed harder to prove themselves when anxiety was high, men tended to avoid situations where weaknesses could be exposed.

And the imposter syndrome is most obvious in situations where people are measured or evaluated in some way. So it is very common in education systems where people are regularly tested, graded and often ranked. It’s also common in competitive sport, or when you stand up to give a presentation, when you apply for a new job and in many creative fields. At these moments you start to worry that everybody will find out your little secret.

It’s a secret

One of the characteristics of the imposter syndrome is that you can never admit it. Because, of course, if you put your hand up and say “I feel like a fraud”, then there’s the possibility that someone will say “ah yes, we were wondering about that, could you please leave now.” So it’s safer to say nothing. But the doubts remain. Even if others are suffering too.

A second characteristic is that the imposter syndrome is impervious to evidence. The person has objective evidence that they are not a fraud. They have passed exams, have certificates, achieved sales targets, made a good presentation. Despite this evidence, the feeling lingers. And people play tricky mind games to discount or ignore the evidence. It was just luck, it was easy, someone helped. The next time will be harder. I fooled them – they just haven’t found me out yet.

For some people, the more successful they become, the worse the imposter syndrome is. After all, there’s more to be exposed now. All that happens is that expectations are raised even higher.

Look at it objectively

So what can you do? Well, you need to force yourself to look at the evidence objectively. One of the great contributions of psychology is to help people realise that feelings are not facts. You can feel like an imposter but that doesn’t make you one. Is it likely that you have fooled everyone? Did you tell lies at the interview? Was it just luck or did you actually work hard on that report?

There’s no simple answer to treating the syndrome but looking at the evidence using CBT and self-awareness can help, as can mindfulness. Learn not to fear success and enjoy it, even if this is easier said than done. Finding a way to channel pressure. This may not rid you of imposter syndrome but it will certainly help you to manage it.

Photo by LiebeGaby

Monday, December 2, 2013
It’s hard letting go,
I’m finally at peace, but it feels wrong,
Slow I’m getting up,
My hands and feet are weaker than before
-Of Monsters of Men
Sometimes learning to live without a character flaw, is harder then it was learning how to live with it.
Sunday, December 1, 2013

metroboulotsono:

La reprise du Dimanche 1er Décembre 2013 : Bon Iver “The Park” (Feist Cover)

I love when my favourites cover eachother…. oh Bon Iver.