If the last week has shown me anything is that I am trying to force myself into a mold I may no longer belong too. And that I need not fall fatal to the guilt and dispositions placed upon my shoulders from those who I saw as friends. That life needs to be dynamic and for as much as I raved about this year being about ‘recovery’ that it in its entirety, needed to be about …. letting go. Futhermore, I find myself back at the same place I started and not a lesson learned. So I promised myself that I would take this summer to grow, to forgive, and to let go of so much which plagues me. That being said this alias is part of that process. Ive been online as nerd-in-training or variations since my livejournal days in jr. High. Needless to say I am no longer a “nerd in training” but likely a professional nerd, but I need to remove myself from this part of the internet amoungst other things. I will continue to always share my love of music, literature and inspiration with those I care about but on a more personal level. The internet is great in the sense that it allows us to connect with others… but a bitch in the sense it prevents us from truly getting to no one another in this world.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME
Grab your lattes,
He was asking me to do the impossible. To rely on faith and faith alone. “Your my daughter I’ll find a way” he smiled. This he waved his hand around gesturing to the room around us, “means nothing to me, your education is the world to us. ” I silently left the room and sat on my bed, at this point tears were inevitable, I have never felt so loved, yet so guilty at the same time. Here he was ready to sacrifice their whole world to make sure I had a fighting chance in perhaps a world I was never meant to belong in. If that wasn’t motivation to study I didn’t know what else was…..
A little piece of me to all of you.
Can I just blog… about non-music stuff. Just rant to a little piece of the internet?
It’s strange you know how life can come full circle, I can tell you exactly where I was a year to this day. Probably at this very same table praying to the academic gods to spare me. So much externally appears the same, but so much inside is different that if past me was to walk by the woman I am today i am not sure I’d recognize myself. (Despite the back I caved and got fringe cut bangs)
Truth be told, I feel I figured out the solutions to my academic problems a semester to late. After another term of hell, facing failure straight in the eye and learning that a number is not a justification of who i am as a person or arguably this semester a student. I think my type A personality finally realized to recover you have to embrace the free fall.
But to be able to study like I have the past few days feels so dam good, its been years when I could just pick up a book and not want to have a panic attack. Yet at the same time I am finding adjusting to live without a panic disorder to be so much harder than learning how to live with it in the first place…. which seems slightly abnormal. But at the same time now there are no excuses for why things fall apart it’s just you and the world and everything in between. Your allowed to suffer in secret, but recovery is a completely public affair.
I guess the sum of this rant is, I learned a lot this semester. A lot I had to learn, a lot which couldn’t be taught in a book. Recovery my therapist told me would be harder then the disease and she was 100% right. You can suffer anxiety in silent, but to recover you have to cross the boundaries from your world to everyone else. You life undergoes a paradigm shift, one that no one can understand. Heros are shown in their real light to be simply human, and you realize that we should not look externally for inspiration but instead inside ourselves. And there is that hidden guilt as you see others, people who no longer can be your friends as you no longer relate continue to suffer.
But to finally let yourself feel every moment of heartbreak and pain you suppressed for the last 5 years and let it go. It’s brillant.
So to all of the citizens of tumblr and the rest of the world: My name is Miranda and I
have had and anxiety disorder.
And stay turned for a crapload of music during the sessonal break,
I’m finally at peace, but it feels wrong,
Slow I’m getting up,
My hands and feet are weaker than before
-Of Monsters of Men Sometimes learning to live without a character flaw, is harder then it was learning how to live with it.